Empty

I’m lying in bed, and the curtains are certainly drawn. The sun is peeking through every crack, and peeling my eyes open with morning. I don’t wanna get up. I wanna fight this morning with every blanket and roll over I have. I could win with my fists full of air punches and leg kicks. I can feel this sleep haze consume me and it’s impossible to shake. I wanna curl up and ball the fuck out. I’m not feeling lazy but I’m feeling so incredibly lost that I’m nowhere. I’m in a white room drowning above water. I’m in a large crowd screaming with no voice. I can’t move. I can’t breath. I can’t live. There is no walls but I feel trapped. Where am I and how did I get to this point? Who am I anymore or ever? Is this normal? Am I normal?

Getting out of bed and dressing myself feels like an accomplishment. As I walk down the busy street the world feels muffled. It’s as if I’m underwater and people are shouting at me. All I can hear is gargled existence that life is out there somewhere. Should I swim deeper so I can’t hear them? Would I ever need to come up for air? Do I even want air anymore? Can I just evolve into this is ness and form some sort of gill like substance to stay alive down here in the grey mute darkness…?

I snap to as someone’s in front of me snapping their fingers telling me they want non fat milk with no foam. I blink twice and respond with a blank nod. Barista life is a hard place to work from the disposition of a rock. My entire body feels so numbly hard that if you slapped me, I couldn’t notice. Yet I feel so brittle that I could shatter into the cup I just dropped. Fuck I did it again. Pay attention. Stay here. As I look around the small coffee shop, the only thing still moving is the perpetual background tunes that you can count on. The same tunes that play at every artsy hipster haunt. Everyone is staring. Heck everything has suddenly sprouted eyes and also is staring. Can I shrink or should I just melt at this point.

Suddenly the world around me freezes. All is quiet aside from those constant background tunes. Everyone is stunted in mid action. As I walk around and wave and scream at faces, no one will wake up. No one will move. Now I️ feel truly alone…

Ode to you

Is this a waste of breath of time of love? Are you just holding me in limbo and steeling my water. The easiest thing to do is hold on, but its so painful. It hurts. I cant move forward, all I can think of is rewind. So its like im a skipping tape, 2 skips forward, then rewound, then forward, back again. Its so hard for me to be content and keep going. I want to be alone but I dont want to feel alone. I want to cry but I hold back tears. I want to scream but I dont want to shout. I want to run away but know cant get out. You have my heart and your holding it captive. Your keeping it there but starving it so. only giving it enough for its dehydrated survival. Its not and experiment and its certainly not love. Its a soul, its beauty and its me. Im not yours, I no longer can be. I need to be mine, so I can be happy. You’ve sucked away my happiness and you’ve stole away my smile. There is nothing left but you want more. You dont want to be alone or left out to dry. You dont wanna be unhappy, your too afraid to cry. I see you for the trapped and scared little being you are. I see you with wide eyes drowning. Trying to grab whatever you can to stay afloat and your grabbing me. Let the fuck go.
January 2014

I want

Id like to be kinder and more genuine. I want my ears to listen and my mouth to humble. Id like my feet to dance and my hands to tremble. I want to be grateful, happy, and crazy. I want to feel beauty, life, and love. I want to fulfill and satisfy hunger, embrace my dreams and live out my passions. I would like someone to share it with. To teach and listen and help me grow. To show me true love and play in the snow. I want to climb trees and watch the world go. Humble me, clear me, and open my ears, close my eyes and show me.
2014

Journal Rants 2

Im here in the breath of the leaves
I stand in the bubbles of the earth
I remain in the invisible wind
I exist in the untouchable stars
you can find me in the deepest oceans, tallest buildings or in someone you call you.
Date Unknown’

My mind feels like the thousand splinters that were pinned into that big lamppost, that settles beyond your bedroom window…and lights the dark lit sky.
My arms feel like the wet spaghetti you had in your plate last night.
My body feels like feels like the sandcastle you made yesterday just to let wash away.
Date unknown

Trumpets are cool
Date unknown

Journal Rantings 1

I hate the way I feel today
Ill love again tomorrow
I feel the same as yesterday
Perhaps a bit more sorrow
My face has dried of hidden tears
My head refuses height
My mouth wont curve and my ears wont listen
Im mortified with fright
2014

I am here to listen
I dont intend to squander or squabble
I dont mean to bicker or blabber
Im here to glisten
Date Unknown

I see you up there
I feel it. Want it. need it.
Its the most real you I’ve ever met.
There’s no lull of your absence.
Your alive, awake and free
That moment you look up and notice me
I cant help to blush and shy away
Its so good, real and pure
Now I cant help but dance
Dance with my hands loose and feet untied
Dance with my mind awake and eyes closed
I can feel the painful beauty in all of this
Unaware of the blur of others
Its just me and one echoing you
Tunnel vision and sweaty palms
This is what smiling feels like
Im glad your awake
even if its only for a moment
Thank you
Date still unknown Maybe 2014